Teaching you child to ski, isn’t always a good idea.

Teaching your child to ski may seem like a great money-saving idea but consider this, ski instructors train for years, sitting refresher courses to ensure they keep their clients safe.  The ski school of mum and dad often has a few weeks experience in total and no idea what to do when plan a does not work.  Teaching your children the fundamentals correctly will not only improve their skiing later on but more importantly, will keep them and everyone else around them out of danger.

If you want to save money on a family ski holiday, consider having a few ski lessons before you leave the UK.  I have used SkiPlex and found their rolling carpet to be very helpful.  It allows a beginner to master Pizza and Chips, sliding from side to side before entering a crowded piste.

I always worry when I see the comedic dad ski school going horribly wrong and not only for the child zooming out of control towards a ski bar but for those in their path.  Ski slopes are dangerous places and most people, finally, are insured.  The sad truth is with insurance comes lawyers.  If your “little cherub” causes an accident then sadly these days a bill and legal action could follow.

We could debate the necessity for ski slope insurance and the lawyers it attracts for days, but in short, teaching your children to ski to save money is often a false economy.

I love a onesie but…

It was Wednesday. Every resort worker loves Wednesday because it’s their day off. I am no exception, on this day the sky was clear and the lifts were running. Hungover, I head for the lift, luckily I have now got myself organised in such a way even drunk I can manage to get down to the lifts and, more importantly, get on them with everything needed to descend safely.

Today, however, was different, the millennials had begun to arrive. The millennial baby seems to have delayed growing up and as such ski resorts have adapted to relieve them of their hard earned money. The end of season party has become a weekly affair. The end of season party used to be a week-long affair at the end of the season when the conditions were not great, a chance to slide into a slushy puddle, dress up and get violently drunk. The end of week party has evolved so every holidaymaker gets a good send off also so the bars can make a small fortune. Although, finding someone to drink with at a ski resort is as hard as finding a fish in the Pacific ocean.

Now before I sound old and grumpy, let me clarify I love a onesie ski, but only on January first, onesie day. The rest of the season it’s frankly odd. I am here, sat on a chairlift, with my bones and head aching from the exploits of the previous night, slowly climbing the mountainside, when the lift stops. I’m now dangling in mid-air with my board attached to my foot, getting frustrated with the delay, a couple of minutes pass and the shouting begins. The chairlift becomes start-stop due to people struggling to get off, the onesie skiers are in town.

No one could have predicted a chairlift and a giant bunny outfit would not work together, surely? Amazingly it’s this oversight that has caused my delay. The lift operator explains the lady over there, still adjusting her velociraptor outfit managed to get her fifty euro tail stuck. Onesies are fun for the home but on a piste, no. There is a lighter side to this when you hear the gingerbread man talking to cow saying your coffee’s getting cold.

My favorite moments are those when they decide to swap equipment. If the equipment was so interchangeable, why would you be individually fitted? Half-way down a red run, I hear the rabbit yell to the cow, oh Nicky wouldn’t it be a hoot darling if we swapped skis? These idiots are now skiing on a non-matching pair of skis. I get to the bottom, and a little while later a water-logged, probably miserable, cow and rabbit appear. I think it’s safe to say they have learnt their lesson. Don’t swap ski’s and please keep onesies for the home or January first.

It’s Christmas…

Merry Christmas to one and all.  Even you, Tiny Tim.

Hopefully, you’ll be waking to fresh snow, roaring log fires and the gifts you desired under the tree.

Please bear a thought for the chalet host who has woken up at 0500hrs, got dressed and walked down the hill from their tiny apartment to your chalet and is preparing breakfast.  Be nice to your chalet host, after all, it’s Christmas.

Burger rain.

Drinking with other skiers in the local bar, catching up on stories of the day’s events is how I like to end the day. Bonding over a beer, laughing and joking.

Today I heard the funniest tale. Whether it’s true or not, is another question, but it could be. Joe is a competitive character, both on and off the piste. He’s the chap you’ll find stoking the party. A stoker cajoles others into drinking games and dares. The story goes on this fateful day, Joe had been to a well-known burger chain restaurant and met Marc. The who can eat the most chicken nuggets competition commenced.

They sat down, cuddling a box of chicken nuggets and the competition ensued. Box after box, chicken nuggets disappeared until Joe had to concede he could not eat more than sixty-six in one sitting. Marc then finished another box taking his total to seventy-two chicken nuggets, winning the competition. The downside of eating seventy-two chicken nuggets is you do not feel at your very best. In fact, Marc felt decidedly ill. Marc, not wanting to lose his recently won crown returned to the slopes.

As the afternoon’s skiing progressed, Marc began to feel worse. Up and down the slopes they went until on one fateful chairlift it rained nuggets. Marc vomited over the edge onto the piste below, coating a group of learners in recycled junk food. Needless to say, Joe found this hilarious and took great pleasure in sharing the story with anyone who would listen.

Ice, Ice, Baby…

Snow is not falling all around me, would be a more accurate description of the current mountain conditions. Things are better than last year, at least, there has been some snow and skiing is possible. The snow cannons have been working around the clock for weeks now making the slopes icy and the skiing tricky.

For holiday makers, these conditions are far from ideal and even skiing a blue run can seem tricky. Most apres-skiers rely on snowy conditions to help slow them down. The lack of snow means skiers have to slow themselves using technique rather than luck.

The first few days back on the slopes are always the hardest and with tricky conditions accidents are likely, I should know.

Just call me Thor.

The downside of being in a ski resort when there is no fresh snow, are the questions from holiday makers. Do you think it will snow tonight? Let me consult with my crystal ball, pop down to the shed and pick up my hammer. Don the red cape and spin a few times and see if it makes a difference. It does not, what a surprise!

If I could summon snow upon request, I would be taking over the world and holding governments to ransom.

“If you can see a cloud over Mont Blanc, there will be snow in the morning” is my response and seems to come true. I learnt this from a ski shop manager and now also tell people the same thing. The next question, obviously is; “Do you think that’s a cloud?”

I appreciate visitors want fresh snowfall, newsflash so does everyone else living in a ski resort. We all live to ski and adore powder days. In fact, there are even rules for powder days.

There are three important rules for powder days;

1. Do not test new equipment on a powder day. Everybody loves new kit, but a powder day is not the day to test it. The last thing you want to do is head up in a gondola, get on to a chair-lift finally reaching the top of the mountain to discover your new kit causes problems.

2. There is no “faffing” on a powder day. Powder days, are a rarity so must be enjoyed, leave the procrastinator behind and get onto the mountain quickly.

3. Do not cross over another skiers trail. Many skiers want to photograph their trail and do not want you carving all over their mountain conquering ski.

 

Finding Alpha.

I always find it funny to hear what people have done over the summer, as time goes on. The stories become far fetched, to be kind. They start with stories of working in an office, slowly dying inside before the travelers arrive. The stories change to ones of meditating in the caves of Machu Picchu, walking the Inca trail and backpacking through Ecuador. The stories become a game of one-up-man-ship, my meditation was better than yours. I got more out of the Inca trail than you did. It’s the usual situation when a group of men first get together, judging who will become this years alpha.

The stories amuse but the clothing I find hysterical. They dress in vintage neon ski wear from the nineteen eighties. It’s supposedly for ironic purposes, but personally, I believe they are again trying to jostle for alpha male status. Similar to a peacock in full plumage, they are using these hideous outfits to stand out.

For me, I’m not bothered in this competition and enjoy the learnings I’m taking.  I know the damage an ego can do and am careful to keep out of these competitions.  Becoming the alpha male was important in times gone by, but today does it still hold merit?  I cannot remember the last time I struggled to find food in a supermarket, switch on a light or heat source or turn the tap to find water.  I see these competitions as pointless and potentially damaging.  I accept this could be because I’m a geek and more likely to be found watching Star Wars than boxing.

I believe life skills should not be the preserve of the alpha male, but something taught in schools.  We rightly attach importance to literacy and numeracy but surely teaching children how to survive in the wild has merit?

Good news, everyone.

The pain in my arm has subsided, and I’m off the codeine phosphate. The doctor has confirmed I have stretched my Ulnar nerve. Although I have not got the full feeling back in my hand, the pain has reduced.

Today I am learning to cook a simplistic chalet menu. My cooking experience is limited. I have never been particularly interested in cooking, so my range of dishes is best described as basic. Learning to cook was a suggestion my therapist made, it helps in the recovery process. Cooking helps on many levels; firstly it requires you to switch off and follow basic instructions and secondly it produces a final product.

Today’s first item, gluten-free banana and honey flapjacks.

 

A very sad day…

Sadly a seventeen-year-old died in Meribel. Initial reports made reference to his helmet.  I support the use of ski helmets but under the circumstances, this reporting was little more than gutter journalism.

Following reports have confirmed the teenage boy died on a blue run, after losing control and falling, he sustained severe chest and facial injuries.  Medics were on the scene within ten minutes and found him suffering from a cardiac arrest.

Mountain rescue experts believe the conditions played a part in this boy’s death.  There has been little fresh snow in Europe over the last two weeks, making skiing tricky.

My thoughts are with the boy’s friends and family at this difficult time.  God bless and please be careful on the slopes.

A New Hope, it’s 1977 again…

As Burton say “You need to know where you’ve been. To know where you are going.” Burton’s new Throwback snowboard clearly demonstrates this sentiment.  It’s directional styling and swallow tail, remind me of a skateboard, converted for snow use, the emergence of snowboarding.

This board is ideal for those days when a few inches of fresh snow has fallen. There’s no need for expensive boots because it has no bindings. Most resorts will not allow you to take it onto a piste because it has no metal edges, making expensive lift passes a thing of the past.

Sadly mine has arrived with some minor damage. The foot plates carry a permanent indent from the handle. It’s a shame but with Christmas coming and snow falling. Do I return and add delays, drive to the shop for a replacement or suck it up and live with the fault?